Releasing an Unborn Spirit Baby

I prayed for understanding, mercy and Grace

I never wanted children - so I thought. Around the age of 35, something shifted and I began to yearn for a child of my own (a family). I wanted to share the beautiful love that lives inside myself with another being that shared some of our combined love.

Despite my best attempts at making it happen, it never did. I (as well as those closest to me) went through a long period of horrific suffering and turmoil as a result of my unwillingness to transition into acceptance and letting go.

You see I believe this yearning is a primal instinct for some and when isn’t met — it creates an indescribable hole deep inside. But I survived just as the countless others who have come before me.

This insurmountable loss molded and forced me into a very different person.

I grew even closer to God. I welcomed a different career. I found the courage to begin speaking about a marriage that I felt needed a drastic change. I learned to be truthful to myself and others. I learned to relinquish the false sense of control that I once clutched.

However, somewhere along the way, I noticed a warm, mysterious and nagging feeling. The energy was held and stored around my posterior lower right ribs. I was certain it was feminine. It was as if it was somehow separate but a part of me — like an energy with it’s own life. I carried this hidden feeling around always. I wasn’t able to shake it no matter what. I even began to internally converse with it. I consulted with numerous Western medical physicians, underwent tests and evaluations, thinking maybe I had something awful. But, the response was always, “Nothing is there.” Huh? Something was there, I was just knew it.

I prayed for understanding, mercy and Grace. And I prayed and I begged and I pleaded on my knees. I left no stone unturned when trying to get God’s attention. Finally, one day I had a phone consultations with a Gabrielle Bernstein coach. We were scheduled to discuss, “What holds me back from showing up in the world like I want?” The conversation quickly turned and she was sharing a book with me titled, “Spirit Babies: How to Communicate with Child You’re Meant to Have.” My prayers had been answered. This book single handedly blanketed me with the knowing that I was too afraid to speak aloud. There was no doubt in my mind and heart I was “carrying” around a spirit.

This was perfectly acceptable to me until I realized that I was not going to be capable of bring this sweet spirit into this side. 11 long years later, I finally surrendered. I felt I had no choice but to begin accepting that the universe had (and has) other plans for me.

In the desire to give a name to this spirit whom I felt I had a relationship with for a decade. I launched a soap company called Anna Grace — the name I had hoped to give her. I thought I had made peace with this part of my story.

Subconsciously I didn’t want to let “her” go.

But then last year just before my birthday while attending an Adyashanti silent retreat. I met a kindred spirit and we were fast friends. We shared our stories and as I shared mine she began to encourage me to release the spirit with the help of a ritual. Subconsciously I didn’t want to let “her” go. However, I knew that in order to heal I had to own, forgive, love and release it all.

That evening as I sat in meditation I asked for guidance and direction. Once I returned to the privacy of my room I sat down in front of a full length mirror. I looked into my eyes, tears were streaming down my face. I was raw, vulnerable and incredibly messy.

I opened the ceremony with a prayer to God and all Beings of love and light — to be with me and us —To help us make the necessary transitions. Open our hearts to a power that is beyond our understanding. I spoke to that spirit baby as if she were in front of me. At the heart of my message was, “I am sorry I didn’t have what it took. I felt I had done everything I could. I told her she was free to go. That I loved her enough to let her go, even though I didn't want to. I wished her well. I asked that the spirit’s life be blessed and I tearfully gave both of us a ticket to freedom. I thanked her for her patience, persistence and guidance. I closed the ceremony with a moment of silence and more prayers.

After sometime I headed to the gift shop and purchased a very simple band as a reminder of this sacred moment — to serve as a reminder of the need to trust and let go. As I slipped the ring on my finger I whispered to the parts of myself that I felt were broken and hurt, “I will never leave you again. I am here for you and your spirit. Let’s do this….”

My spiritual teacher Adyashanti has a quote that resonates so deeply with me concerning the importance of transmuting negative energies. I in noway am saying that this entire situation was negative, but it held an immense amount of darkness. And that needed to be purged.

“Everything you blame, you're STUCK with. Bless it. Wish it well. Wish it it's own freedom, and it will be very powerful in the way it will not come back to you. If you don't forgive it, if you don't bless it, if you don't wish it well, the energy will just be magnetically drawn back to you because it's looking for resolution. All negative energy that we've inherited, it's there because it's looking for resolution." - Adyashanti

Tho I can finally say I am grateful for this hole that lives in my heart. This part of my life story made me a stronger, more disciplined, and compassionate person - and certainly feeling as though I have been carrying around an unseen spirit has catapulted me toward mysticism, spirituality and stillness.

I have dealt with tremendous guilt. Telling myself that I was too weak, I chose the wrong partner, I wasn’t young enough and on and on. The bottom line is that for years I believed that because I wan’t able to make this happened it meant = I wasn’t enough!

But the truth of our nature is that we are enough. We are always and already enough. I just had to learn the hard way. Try as we may sometimes, there is a benevolent force that governs the universes. Life is uncertain, tragic and absolutely beautiful all at the same time.

If you feel called to let go of something you have been carrying around. I invite you to explore and create your own ritual for healing. Your body knows the way, release judgments and how you think it “should or should not” be done. It will come to you, once you relinquish the need to control. Just like a part of my life story.