The Importance of Sharing Needs & Desires: In Committed Relationships
Commitments are often built upon promises of love, companionship, and shared dreams. However, as time progresses, we may inadvertently ignore our needs and desires in an attempt to maintain harmony within the relationship. Although the intention may be noble, the consequences of neglecting our personal wants and needs can cast a shadow on our once joyous relationship.
Initially, the act of ignoring one's needs and desires may seem like a selfless sacrifice made for the sake of the union’s stability. Couples willingly mold themselves into roles that fit expectations and conform to societal norms. These roles may revolve around caregiving, financial responsibilities, or even emotional support. However, beneath the surface, unspoken longings simmer, these longings are searching for a safe outlet!
As time passes, the more silent partner may feel their suppressed needs are persistently gnawing at their soul. They might yearn for a connection where their authentic self is free to expressed, perhaps even cherished.
Let’s look at common consequences of ignoring one's needs and desires:
Hidden resentment: Which builds over time, potentially causing irreparable damage to the relationship.
Emotional distance: When you fail to share your needs, desires, and concerns, a void grows between partners, making it difficult to connect and understand each other on a deeper level.
Miscommunication and misunderstandings: A lack of communication often escalates to conflicts and eroding trust.
The partner who is suppressing their needs may begin to:
question their self-worth
wonder if their desires are unreasonable
silently ask if their needs are insignificant
look to other relationships to try and fill the need for meaningful intimacy
Over time, the relationship takes on a certain pattern.” Breaking free from an ingrained pattern requires courage and vulnerability. It demands open and honest conversations, and active listening where partners express their needs, desires, and fears free from judgments.
Practical ways to build a new pattern:
Create a safe and judgment-free space: Where both partners feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings.
Practice active listening: Listening is not just about hearing words; it involves genuine engagement. Show interest and attentiveness by maintaining eye contact, nodding, and asking clarifying questions. A willingness to listen, encourages your partner to share more openly and honestly.
Practice empathy and understanding: Practice putting yourself in your partner's shoes and understand their perspective. Strive to understand their feelings, needs, and desires without interruptions and judgments. Cultivate empathy by responding with validating statements and compassion
Regularly checking-in with each other: Set aside dedicated time to have conversations where you connect with your partner. Carve out moments for weekly or monthly check-ins to discuss important matters, goals, and concerns. By making your partner a priority, you foster habits that support a loving connection.
Be mindful of non-verbal cues: Pay attention to body language and/or facial expressions, as they often provide valuable insights into your partner's feelings. Likewise, be mindful of your own non-verbal communication to ensure that your partner feels seen, heard and understood.
Encourage vulnerability: This is the very foundation which helps to make your shared love unique and special.
Use "I" statements: Using "I" statements, such as "I feel," "I need," or "I think," allows you to take responsibility for your emotions and express yourself in a non-confrontational manner. This approach helps prevent blaming or accusing language that can escalate conflicts. It also signals to your partner that you are sharing your experience rather than verbally attacking them.
Make time for togetherness at least once a week: Ideas: spend time sharing things you are both grateful for, hold a long hug, sit and hold loving eye contact for 3-5 minutes, and/or begin to pray together
Seek professional help: For couples struggling to communicate effectively, asking for help can be transformative. Conscious therapists can provide beneficial guidance and tools to enhance communication, helping to bridge the gaps between partners (the more silent partner may need support in having their needs understood as well as validated).
Benefits of Open Communication:
Fosters Emotional Intimacy: Enhancing trust, security and closeness
Cultivates Mutual Growth: Sharing needs and desires is not just about one person's satisfaction; it is a catalyst for mutual growth. By expressing what we truly crave and aspire to, we give our partners the chance to support and contribute to our personal development. Similarly, we can provide the necessary encouragement and assistance for our partner's growth. This reciprocity fosters a sense of shared goals, inspiring the relationship to evolve and thrive.
Nurtures Satisfaction and Fulfillment: By aligning intentions to fulfill each other's desires, partners create a positive cycle of satisfaction and joy.
Conflict resolution: Effective communication reduces conflicts and provides a framework for resolving disagreements peacefully and constructively.
Embarking on a journey toward greater intimacy, listening and loving never fails. Through the willingness to change, new patterns of interacting emerge. The couple can expect to experience a renewed sense of connection, and perhaps even remember the beauty that originally drew you toward one another.
Recommended Reading:
“Getting the Love that You Want: A Guide for Couples” by Harville Hendrix