Gifts of an Unsteady Friendship

The friendship seemed innocent enough. We hung out, created beautiful sounds through singing bowls, chanted, took a few weekend trips together, embarked on other girlfriend adventures.

But, somewhere along the way, I lost my own sense of self. I began to become deeply dependent upon “your” guidance, wisdom, and knowing. I lost my way, or, perhaps, I never knew the way. But, ultimately I trusted your wisdom more than my own.

I hold no blame or fault toward you, because I am certain your intentions were pure and motivated by your own hidden wounds. You always presented things as if you wanted what was best for me. And I silently and inadvertently intimated to you that you did, in fact, know what was best for me. Through the very act of silence, I upheld this covert belief, and I continued to sacrifice my intuitive powers to you.

In hindsight, I see the countless signs that the universe extended unto me as wake-up calls. The universe shared many opportunities to help me step into my own empowerment, but deep and quiet fears kept me from choosing to stand firmly in my Truths. Fear that I would hurt you if I named my unhappiness in the relationship. Fear that I would no longer have someone with whom to share a friendship. And the biggest fear of all: That perhaps I didn't know how to make solid decisions for myself. I lacked self-trust and belief.

But the day finally arrived when I was no longer capable of living with dishonesty. I craved honesty within myself! I longed to learn to love and trust myself more fully. I knew I had to come by honesty through the act of bravely choosing it.

Things came to a head one afternoon, in the midst of a profound state of depression. You called and wanted to come by for a visit. I firmly said, “I don’t feel like it - please!”

You insisted. Again, I stated my need. I naively thought that you had respected my spoken desire. Unfortunately, 30 minutes later, the doorbell rang. It was you. I felt the anger rising when I peered through the transparent door.

You took one look at me and said, “Awww Honey, you are so sick. Lie down on the couch I will help you.” I refused your help. You grasped my shoulder, led me to the couch and asked me to lie down.

Hesitantly I lied down. Intuitively, I knew you hadn’t the ability to respect my boundaries. But how could you — I hadn’t the ability to uphold my own personal boundaries. It’s interesting how relationships function.

I teach you how to treat me by way of how I treat myself …

Others will love and honor us only as much as we love and honor ourselves.

You carefully placed my aching head in your lap. You began to offer energy healing around my sore left ear. Suddenly, you began to command that I come to your office for sound healing, stating that you would not take no for an answer.

Faltering, I said, “ I don’t want to.”

“ YES! YES! YOU ARE COMING,” you replied.

This is a poignant example of a relationship gone awry. In the counseling world, it’s often referenced as, “Functioner and Underfunctioner.” This type of relationship will show up repeatedly in our lives until we decide to take action for ourSELF. We must own the pieces of the Self that are unworthy and dependent. We must replace our unworthiness with self-love. Take responsibility for our decisions, even if they turn out messy and difficult. These uncomfortable spaces are needed for our own growth and transformations.

It’s not easy being human, but so much of our suffering is optional. It’s a wild and beautiful day the day you decide - fuck it, I am tired of feeling xyz — I am changing my life. Each and every one of us has this choice and power. We can decide on any given moment, on any given day, to live differently. And in our willingness to change, we will find freedom and Grace.

I knew on that day that I was in desperate need of change. I made a decision to visit her office, but never again going forward. I had to learn to say no and mean it. I had had enough of feeling unheard, disrespected, undervalued and mislead. I needed and wanted to be my own friend. I wanted to be the friend to myself that I craved.

I began to ask myself, “What type of friend do you want?”

I want a friend who knows how to love; one who understands the art of listening; respects each and every affirmative no. I want someone who is devoted to honesty and transparency. I want someone who holds the belief that I am not broken and do not need to be fixed, healed, or changed.

The wise old paradox is that the qualities that I desire (or want) are the very qualities that I MUST level up, nurture and embody within myself — for then The Beloved new friend will come.

Additional Reading Spiritual Relationships, Laws of Friendship by Paramahansa Yogananda DailyOM